I’m sorry —

I don’t know what to do about the hurt I’ve caused.

A few weeks ago I posted about how I’d fallen out with my good friend N. I have been wanting to apologise to her. I don’t feel I can ask her to forgive me. I know I hurt her. I know I spoke when I was angry and distraught and I caused her a lot of pain.

I was hurt too. I was desperate and unstable and in crisis and I did really need help, need someone; I was going to pieces. But this doesn’t mean I had the right to demand things from her or that she had to be there for me when she couldn’t. I acted ungrateful and angry. I lost sight of all the care she’d given me.

Then there’s the knowledge that she had found me a burden and my certainty I was an annoyance and inconvenience and angered her and she saw seeing me as a duty and there was nothing good for her in the relationship and she didn’t want to be around me anymore. Who would. She was clear she thought nobody would stay with me when I was in the state I was in. That was true and it was also true I needed someone but that didn’t mean it had to be her.

I know I’ve caused her a huge amount of upset and hurt and been very childish and selfish and needed too much. I know I’ve probably angered and hurt her in ways I don’t know yet or understand. She told me I had.

I don’t know what to do. I wanted to tell her I’m so sorry. I wrote to her so many times and tore it up because each time it seemed so stupid and self centred and a rubbish apology. I wrote several letters that I didn’t tear up. I went to her place to see her and took the letters. If she was in, I’d see if I could speak to her face to face if she’d let me. Then I’d go. If she wasn’t I’d post the letters through the door. I went and she was not in so I posted the letters through the door.

I didn’t ask for us to start meeting up again. I think that might not be good for her because I’m still so unstable. I’m still going from crisis to crisis and needing too much help and so upset and angry at times it wouldn’t be fair to her or anyone to try to be meeting up. That said I miss her and care for her a lot and really really really wish I could be there for her and thank her and support her when she needs it. (But I’m not the one she goes to when she needs anything, much as I’ve tried to be there.) I can’t ask her to meet again but I wish I could tell her I’m sorry. And know if she hears it or accepts it.

I haven’t heard anything from her since I dropped off the letter. It was 2 weeks ago. I wondered if she might be away but at this time of year it isn’t likely and the car was “home” when I left the letter. I am worrying if she could be ill. This turned into panicky, extended worrying that she is ill because of me, or worse. That’s what I worry about if I’ve upset someone.

I think she is so hurt and angry and disgusted with me she wants no more contact. I deserve that. Yet I wasn’t prepared for silence. I was prepared for her furious anger and hurt and her to tell me never to contact her again. Or for her to tell me how she felt about what I said and did. I did not expect and am not asking forgiveness. I wish I could know something I could do to make her know I really really am sorry and how much she matters to me and how wrong I was. I wish that even though I don’t think she can forgive me could she accept that I am sorry?

However needing to know that she hears and accepts that I am sorry is a very selfish part of apologising, when I think about it. It’s something that would stabilise the horror I feel at what I said and did and ease my own hurt.  I should accept not having it.

The amount I’ve hurt her is really raw and I’m really scared at what I’ve done. I’m sad and hurting for losing N. as well. It’s my fault but I’m still missing her and scared at what I’ve done. What I’ve done to the relationship and what I’ve done to her.

Ginny xxx

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7 thoughts on “I’m sorry —

  1. It’s not selfish. Apologize. It will help you heal, and possibly her, too…and hopefully the both of you can mend your friendship. It’s the first step. Possibly the last step; she may not accept it…but you’ll know you tried and did what you felt you needed to do – rather than spend the rest of your life regretting and wondering.

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  2. Ginny,As I said before I’m in exactly the same situation,I’ve messed up a relationship that has lasted over 20yrs.Its been 5 weeks now since we last spoke to each other & I go from thinking “sod her” because hardening myself to this is easier than the agony of losing the one person who loved,supported & did so much & looking back I know she was giving everything she had to give, I always wanted more…it was never enough & I’m ashamed & wish I could turn back time.
    I know to be friends or to care for me has to be hard work as,like you I seem to go from crisis to crisis….Because at the end of it all,the terrifying truth is I cannot get over what happened to me. I can’t get over the torturous agony that I have to try & forget, all I can do it seems is just exist & hurt the people that mean the most to me xx

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  3. Yes I can identify with what you say. It’s a really painful feeling when we need someone or want someone more than they can give and more than we feel we should ask. It hurts and at the same time we feel really guilty. Knowing we feel more than they do and hurts too and I find that makes me feel really guilty too. I am sorry for what has happened between you and your friend. I’m really sorry for how much you’re hurting. I think you bring a lot of very good things to people who care about you because you’re there and you’re so compassionate. I only know you a little on here and that’s very clear. But I know it hurts when we both want someone to love us and feel we are difficult to be with. Sending hugs xxx

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