So much I can’t get out

This hasn’t been a great week. There’s so much I want to write but can’t get down. Two really important relationships have turned out not to be at all what I thought they were. The two people who ever made me feel a little bit like I might not be all bad inside, told me what they thought of our relationship and of me. .. and these only relationships and only people told me I was a drain, resented, to be run from, too much, dominating everything,  nothing, not wanted, nothing had ever been shared.

I want to write but the words spiral through my head and get lost and I feel as if I’m spiraling too, falling uncontrollably away from my last hope of belonging or doing good, full of pain and doing only wrong, or dissociating and watching numb actions from a distance. I try to give my feelings a name but somewhere between the hurt, the fear, the spiraling thoughts and the words, it all gets lost. In any case,  I’m scared to talk to anyone and do not want to even step outside but at the same time I’m desperate for someone to hold me.

What do you do when you find out the most important things you thought you shared with those you cared about most,  were not shared? When the people who gave you hope tell you what harm you’ve done? When you trusted someone enough to tell them the most shameful, painful parts of your story- then they leave,  or tell you you had no close bond at all? And they walk away and you never do, ever.

xxx

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8 thoughts on “So much I can’t get out

  1. I am so sorry that this has happened to you, no-one deserves to have that happen. I think what they have done is cruel and, even though it might hurt that they have done this, you deserve better than them if that’s what they think. You are worthy, and important and cared about, and I would go out on a limb and say that they just don’t understand fully what you are going through and don’t know how to deal with it. I get that what I just said doesn’t really help but I do think that that is the case. I hope thinks become better soon x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so so much. You know by now how really terrible I am at responding to the questions in the Awards! I have got really limited Internet access at the moment. Finally I’ve decided to get proper wifi at home (at the moment I just have my phone or I use my laptop when I can get out somewhere with free WiFi) so in the next couple of weeks or so i should be much better able to respond to comments etc. I was scared of getting another monthly bill for Internet but I figured out I’ll actually save money. So I do promise to respond to this but might need to ask your patience just a little longer xxx

      Liked by 1 person

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