Tag: emotional flashbacks

Getting stuck on a loop

I’m gradually coming to notice when I re-experience feelings associated to long past experiences of abuse. I’ve described this as emotional flashbacks. They can include re-experiencing physical sensations of events, but also and often more overwhelmingly, emotional experiences. This often leads to certain thoughts being triggered and impulsive, uncontrollable actions that aren’t necessarily helpful for me or others. (I say uncontrollable. I must still take responsibility for them though I do not yet manage successfully control them and the impact the feelings have on me.)

I’m also noticing that I re-experience feelings and thoughts associated to more recent events; events which are not nearly as damaging as the abuse and trauma I experienced as a child. Sometimes, I can identify that the event triggered a deeper memory, which to some extent explains my reaction. But frequently, I can’t identify this. It is like feeling stuck on a loop. It causes me a lot of guilt and anger at myself. I feel I am being childish and self-centred because I should just get over it. I feel guilty, especially when it leads me to think over and over a time when somebody upset or hurt me, because I ought to be forgiving them. If I am repeatedly thinking of the hurt and wrong caused to me, I am holding it against them, not truly forgiving and I am keeping a barrier between them and me. God forgives us fully and it is as though our offences are blotted out. When we receive his forgiveness, we are washed “whiter than snow” and He does not look any more on our transgressions. Who am I to think I’m so important that things that hurt me play over and over in my mind? I’m reminded of someone close to me telling me “nobody else is responsible for making you feel better” “I’m going to be completely straight with you and I don’t have to think about what you’re feeling”. Am I making other people responsible for my feelings by my inability to move on? Am I making everything about me? I really fear that.

An example of such an event and consequentially getting “stuck in a loop” occurred this weekend. It’s a fairly low intensity example. Yesterday, I was in the street when I was stopped by a charity fundraiser – there are many of these people in shopping streets in my city, stopping people and wanting to take their personal details and sign them up to make regular donations. This person both irritated and intimidated me immediately. I watched him approach a lady who was a little way in front of me and follow her up the street. He then came up to me, coming uncomfortably close and half-blocking my path. I think this kind of approach is particularly intimidating to me since I’m disabled, unsteady on my feet and walk with a stick (and in my mind it is insensitive and inappropriate to approach in this way someone who you do not know, especially someone who is clearly physically vulnerable). He started to ask me questions and I simply replied “no thank you,” and carried on walking as best I could. I am in no position to give money at the moment and do not want to be signed up to anything, and think the best approach is to firmly but politely refuse to engage with this kind of approach. He then continued to follow me up the street, very close, muttering behind me sarcastically “oh, well that’s just charming” and so on. I was at once frightened and suddenly angry. I turned round and by no means shouting, but firmly, told him “Would you please stop following me. I am not obliged to give you my details. I do not want you to follow me.” “Well that’s incredibly [*&$% expletive deleted] rude of you” he retorted. I told him this was highly inappropriate and asked for the details of the organisation he was working for as I would be making a complaint. Fortunately, I was able to get sight of the ID badge he was wearing as he told me “Good, I hope that you do, because you’re incredibly unpleasant!” and noted the details.

Now, this event should probably no longer be in my mind. I was not hurt. I was probably not in any danger despite his intimidating and verbally aggressive behaviour. Likely as not I will never see him again. I have never heard of the organisation he was working for and have no dealings with them. It was nasty but probably not personally directed at me. It is an unpleasant way for anyone to behave, and all the more inappropriate on the part of someone representing a charity. I felt strongly about that. But it isn’t really an important event. The damage caused to me wasn’t major or worth thinking about (beyond that tomorrow I may make a complaint to the charity as I don’t think he should carry on representing them so poorly or treating other passers-by in the way he treated me and the lady in front of me).

The intensity of the fear and anger I felt at the time was much more than it should have been. It flicked me to come very close to an outburst of upset and anger that wouldn’t have helped anyone. I was able to stop that by the grace of God. I went some way into dissociating, hurting, being out of it but thoughts spiralling in a way too much to catch, being on the edge of going into a nearby shop and impulsively spending, which is one of the responses I’m most at risk of when I’m suddenly angry or upset. Again, I was able to stop myself. Mixed into this was the thought, what if someone was watching me, what would they think of what I had done? Was it my fault and was I wrong? I went home. I felt very low and was starting to shut down and everything I’d planned to do that evening was too much. I’m ashamed to admit this.

I’m more worried right now though, that instead of this whole minor incident now being over, it has come back on this loop in my mind today, several times. My mind has compulsively played over the incident many times, very vividly, but until this has been going on for a period of time, I’ve been unable to acknowledge what’s happening, whilst also being detached from what’s occurring in the present (for instance, no longer hearing the TV that was on, no longer doing the task I was doing). The way my mind has been playing this experience over has been similar to the way obsessional OCD thoughts about bad things I’ve done or am going to do, take hold of my mind. All the emotions I experienced at the time of the incident have come back again. With each obsessional repetition in this loop, my doubt of myself and my own actions in the situation increases, so that I am more convinced that I did wrong, that it must have been my fault, that people were watching me and now know how nasty I am.

Why am I unable to move on from even such an unimportant event? Why are my feelings so extreme at the time and no lower some time after? Why am I so unable to limit the impact of the emotion and the memory of the emotion and event? Does it in some way I do not yet understand, send me back to memory of a more damaging experience? That would give some explanation at least. Or is my experience just totally out of proportion, making me self-centred, self-obsessed, childish?

This event wasn’t particularly emotive in comparison to events that take place with people I know and care about. When upsetting interactions with friends and family get stuck on a loop in this way, it can completely affect and impede my future interactions with them and feelings towards them. I feel this is all my fault through my faulty reactions, emotions and thinking. Ultimately I end up self-punishing and self-harming as the only possible escape and a desperate attempt to punish myself enough for my failure to be an adult and my failure to forgive.

Writing this, it occurs to me that this feeling of being stuck in a loop does not only apply to things done against me. It applies equally to hurt I have caused or fear I have caused others, and other mistakes I have made. Wrong things and stupid things I have done play over and over in my head. The intense feelings of guilt, shame, horror, pain, etc, play over in my head and diminish little in intensity over the years. I regularly have vivid memories of, for example, things said during an argument with my dad and step-mum 3 years ago, or something wrong I did in my work that I worried endangered a patient 5 years ago, a time I stepped out of line with something I said to my boss in a meeting 8 or more years ago… I re-experience all the feelings and they can really shake me. I become afraid of any situations similar to those in which these events occurred, maybe because I believe I’ll do the same wrong again.

Again I wonder if all the feelings I have, whether it be a situation of wrong done by me to others, or a situation of wrong done by others to me and consequential hurt, in some way are (a lesser intensity of) feelings that were overwhelming and terrifying during the years of my abuse.

I also know that in personality disorders, emotions usually reach a higher intensity more quickly, and stay at the higher intensity for longer, than in people without personality disorder. I guess that explains to some extent why the feeling hangs around for longer, though not the vivid mental replaying of inconsequential events.

I desperately want an answer and I think I’ll talk about this in my 1:1 therapy tomorrow.

***

I wonder have you had similar experiences? Have you felt stuck on a loop remembering experiences or having thoughts and emotions you want to let go, but can’t?

Ginny xxx

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Not my GP

I’m very fortunate to have been able to consistently see the same GP most of the time over the past two years and to have a mostly good rapport with him. I know this is a help that lots of people don’t have. My Surgery recognises the importance of seeing the same person if you have to attend regularly and have ongoing health problems. I find it helps so much practically, in not having to constantly go over your history every time and the cost on time and your emotions that this incurs, as well as gaining confidence in someone. I don’t find it easy to trust new people and the effect of the voices and hallucinations can be worse when I’m meeting with someone new and afterwards.

Tomorrow I have to see a different GP. The Surgery called me this morning and explained that very sadly, my usual GP has suffered a family bereavement and will be off for many weeks at least. I am sorry and sad for him, all the more as I think he is a really good person, so I feel all the more empathy with him in this loss. It’s very sad.

Tomorrow I am seeing a GP who I have not seen face to face before but I have spoken with on the phone. The conversation and trying to get help has almost never gone well. She has been what felt very dismissive to me. I don’t think she believes me. She has told me that I’m making nasty threats when I’ve been feeling suicidal and self-harming and trying to get help, absolutely at the most desperate I’ve been. She’s hung up on me. I’ve ended up getting very angry and distressed in response. It was after speaking with this GP that I completely lost it at the Surgery a few months ago. They called the police and I know that I scared people by being so angry and losing control and that they were worried about me. When the police came I was sure they needed to arrest me and begged them to take me away because I was so afraid I was going to hurt someone and was terrified of my loss of control.

I’m scared of losing it again and also scared of not being believed. Things haven’t been good this past week but I’m scared of talking about anything in case she interprets it as me making threats or thinks I’m lying. I’m sure already she’ll think I’m lying and that she hates me. I was sure of that as soon as I spoke to her last time and I’m even more sure now after how badly I behaved when I lost control. I need to get my medical certificate renewed but I don’t know what she’ll do – she has not seen me before and doesn’t know me – and I’m scared she won’t agree to do it. For some reason I’ve already convinced myself she’ll think I’m lying and she’ll say nothing’s wrong with me. She’ll think I’m a fraud and don’t deserve any help.

The voices are screaming at me in my head about what she thinks of me and all the evil, fraud, liar kind of accusations, telling me what to do to hurt myself, telling me all the terrible things I’ll do if I don’t, horrible images behind my eyes that disgust me.

There was no other GP I could see tomorrow. I didn’t feel I could say I didn’t want to see this GP or explain why because it would be rude and I feel so guilty for how I lost it before and how I upset people. I’ve booked in next week with another GP I know and trust and I know that will help and that it will mean however tomorrow goes, I still have this appointment next week with someone I am comfortable with. So that’s a help.

I’m already so anxious thinking about it and having panic attacks. I am so tempted to just cancel the appointment tomorrow. But I know I need to talk to someone and I do need to try to get the certificate renewed. I’m getting triggered so quickly by feeling I am not believed, which is ironic because I struggle to believe myself as the voices rarely give me rest from their suggestions (sometimes slowly increasing doubts, sometimes overwhelming screams) about how I’ve deceived people or how the evil inside me will be exposed. The emotions associated with the past abuse are so uncontrollable and coming back to me separate from the memory of specific instances of abuse and it’s really hard to understand what’s happening.

At least after the GP appointment I see my support worker, who is someone I trust, so that will help me to stay a bit safer.

Ginny xxx